Thursday, November 12, 2015

The Nostalgia of honest ramblings

Is it me, or does this time of year bring back so many memories of years past?  Every fall, I feel like I am overwhelmed with joy and a bit of pain thinking back on my life.  Perhaps, it is the season of change, and change can be hard.  Or maybe it is me lamenting the ease and comfort of childhood. 

 Fall brings for me a flood of emotions - wonderment of the future, anxieties about the past, and a feeling of complete unworthiness of all that I have.  Vacation trips are over, the routine of school and work has set back in, and the anticipation of Thanksgiving and Christmas joyfully consumes me.  Traditions, enjoyed year after year, bring back so many memories, feelings, and longings.  Maybe that is why this time of year seems so nostalgic.  

With one look at the falling, colorful leaves, I am reminded of every year that I have passed this season - from childhood, to college, and now as a mother and wife.  There is something so wonderful and magical about traditions and all the memories they hold.  With the world, and our life, at a constant change, these things remain....for the most part.  I think about the people that were a part of these times, some gone, some remain.  I think about the warm, cozy feeling that comes with these memories - a sense of comfort and simpleness that I feel is lacking in my life now that I am an adult, juggling so many roles and responsibilities.  

I question, or try to be conscious of, whether I am being all who I want to be, all whom God has planned for me.  I guess the right phrasing more-so would be, I am allowing Him to make me into that person?

Am I loving Emma enough? Am I being a good parent and raising her to be respectful and caring?

Do I show my family, with my actions, that they are my world? Or do I take them for granted in the day to day hustle and bustle?

Am I too wrapped up in trying to control everything that I am missing out on the spontaneous joy that each surprising moment can bring?

Am I filling my mind and eyes with things that equip me to love and serve others better, or with images that make my heart feel discontent?

Am I loving my neighbors - the ones I know, and those I don't?

Am I the person the makes people feel better about themselves when they are with me, or do I make them feel inferior, non-important?

Am I making my life and home a place where love is most important, or I am filling it with decorations and material things that clutter and detract from what "home" really means?

My heart is heavy with these thoughts this a good way.  I believe if we are not always allowing ourselves to be changed and formed into the person God has intended us to be, and not desiring healthy change, then we are never truly free.  

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