Wednesday, July 13, 2016

THE news...

Well, I am super behind in the blog world.  I am clinging to that college mentality where you have so much to say (or do) and don't know where to start, so you just become mute (or procrastinate and not do anything). 
I finally broke the news publicly about Baby #2.  I don't now why I call it that, because we all know there is no baby #3 or #4, etc... 
The truth is, I have wanted to blog about it for almost 5 months, but just couldn't.  I was not that thrilled with the news when I found out.  And no one wants to read about that, and of course, being sad about being pregnant is definitely not socially acceptable. 
I should be happy, grateful...and how dare I be otherwise, right?  Well, that's what went through my mind.  In theory, another child sounds awesome.  But I know reality is different, and I was (and still are a bit) paranoid about what this will do to our already (in my opinion) perfect little family.  I was selfish, for sure.  I DID NOT want to be pregnant again.  I felt like we had finally got a handle on life as 3 and we were in a good place.  Our house was already feeling too small, our budget too lean, and my time too stretched.  I did not want any changes for me, or for Emma.  I lamented her only child status and the attention she would not have on her anymore.  I am an only child, so when people would tell me that I am giving her the best gift ever - a sibling - I would secretly roll my eyes at them (sorry).  I didn't have a sibling, and honestly, I don't have any feelings of ever wanting one.  I don't know any different, so for me, it was fine.  I enjoyed the closeness I had with my parents.  And I know plenty of people who would rather not have siblings (hehe), and also plenty of people with incredible bonds with their large families.  I am learning that God's plan is better than mine, no matter how much I struggle with it.  And it's ok.  It's ok to struggle and question.
So, when I found out Easter Sunday that our lives were changing forever (again), I had a different reaction than I did with Emma.  It was a rough month or two for me - and the hormones didn't help one bit.  Worry and anxiety plagued me.  I held back telling people unless I really needed their support and prayers.
Now, 20 weeks into this, I am doing much better.  I'm still fearful, and I know all too well the realities of having a newborn:)  But I'm excited to see Emma have a sister.  She's super pumped about helping out, and teaching her, and sharing bunk beds when they're older. 
I know it will be great, and these huge changes are God's doing and He has mapped it out in superb detail that has nothing but good intent for all FOUR of us.

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