Not to dwell on myself anymore than I have to....I have realized a lot of things in the past month. Getting sick was one of the worst things I have ever been through - even worse than those first few weeks of new mom, new baby last year. But it made me realize a lot of things about myself, my life, and where I am headed.
First, I am eternally grateful for my family. Brent was a saint, and my mom and dad cared for me, Brent, and Emma continually (and in every way - emotionally, physically, and spiritually). I am also extremely grateful that I am getting better. Last week was the first week I was able to be "myself" again. Today is my last day of drugs - and I can feel a huge difference. I still have some pain and discomfort in my back/chest form the pulled muscles, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel - and for awhile, I did not. I literally had days where I cried and honestly thought my life would never get better. A bit dramatic, I know. But if you've ever been sick for an extended period of time, then you know what I'm talking about. It debilitates every aspect of who you are - you can't be YOU.
Second, while I am very grateful for my job and LOVE what I do, I need more balance in my life. Becoming a mom and working full time has not left much time for anything else. Brent and I have been on 4 alone dates since Emma was born - I am ashamed to say this. Friends - please host an intervention. I think it is hard because as a working mom, you feel guilty for wanting to get out of the house and away from your child, because you spend next to no time with them during the week. So, we do a lot of things together as family, but we don't do very much alone - clearly. I have never spent the night away from Emma - something I am also not proud of. We have big dreams of going on some trips in the future, but I need to get Emma adjusted to staying with the grands before we can even think about that. I am so mad at myself for not doing it earlier. If anyone has any advice, feel free to knock me upside the head with it.
Most new moms say it takes them about 9 months to start to feel like "themselves" again. I can honestly say that it is not until now that I feel like I am starting to be "me" again. And before you think I am being selfish, I wholeheartedly believe that moms need identities outside of being wives, mothers, workers, etc... I have also counted less than a handful of "girls" nights...one being this past weekend (thanks, Kate and Jen for the birthdays!) And before we vilify Brent, he doesn't get that many either (although he does go on an awesome week long ski trip every year). So, we obviously need more balance - so we can be better parents and a better family. There are so many more complaints/issues/things I miss but I won't go into them all here. (I don't hardly ski at all, I don't craft, I don't cook real meals, I don't workout.......) I think the main point is, we are still trying to figure out how this whole parenting-life things work...and that's ok.
So, there it is. My confession...my struggles...and I share them because I want others to know that if they go through this, it's normal. And also because I count on you who care about me to help me stay accountable to what I want to accomplish. I leave you with some pictures from the last month of my precious Emma...who loves to say BYE BYE and DA DA. To my dismay, this girl loves her some daddy. Sigh.....
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| We went out to Fearrington Village one Saturday while I was still sick - we had a blast, despite my illness. |
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| We love to go out there - it is the perfect balance of kid-friendly and adult sophistication. We usually sit outside and eat at the Granary, and then walk around the grounds. There is also a Beer Garden with live music most weekends. |
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| Emma really wanted to get closer to the cows...which wasn't an issue for me except for the electric fence. She was getting really mad at us because we kept pulling her back from it - I know - mean mom won't let you get electrocuted! |
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| We stayed way later than we normally do with Emma, so we put her in her pj's and straight to bed after she fell asleep on the way home. |
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| For the first weekend of fall, we ventured to Meadowmont to the park. |
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| She found this basketball out there and refused to let it go. |
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| She even insisted on having it while swinging. |
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| Not sure she is a fan of the swing...it really didn't excite her too much. |
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| It was so nice to be outside, feel healthy, and be able to enjoy time together as a family. Emma is getting to be at a really fun age, and we are enjoying every new stage! |
