Today's the day!

I am officially 20 weeks today, and Brent and I find out whether this teeny baby will be sporting shades of pink or blue this afternoon. I have to admit I am a bit nervous, well actually REALLY nervous. There are the obvious concerns that everything will be healthy in the ultrasound.....naturally all pregnant women worry about that. But I'm also just super anxious about finding out the sex. I had always said that I was going to wait, just like my mother and her mother and her mother and so on.... But then when I first got pregnant, all I could think about was knowing. Now that the time is here, I'm not so sure I want to know!

A friend of mine said something that seemed silly at the time, but has made a lot of sense to me in the last few weeks. She admitted that she was excited to find out the sex, but that she also felt like it limited their hopes for a quick minute. If it's a girl, those visions of playing ball and fishing are out the roof. If it's a boy, I'll have to do away with my dream of braiding hair and sewing cute skirts (naturally). Everyone says it makes it more real when you find out the gender....which is true and maybe I am a bit scared of that. It's not like it hasn't been real yet - like gaining weight, having back pain, not sleeping, and leaving the alcohol band wagon haven't made it real enough!  But reality sets in in the second half of pregnancy, and there is no turning back!

Confession: I AM nervous about it becoming more real - the unknown in my future. I don't doubt that I will be a good parent. But there are so many questions and everyone who has been through it before has an opinion.....and sometimes it's a negative one. It's almost like they feel the need to rant about how awful those first few months are and how your life will never be the same..."enjoy your life while you can" attitude.....in hopes that it will change their past. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to slap these people...literally. Yes, it will be hard. But maybe that's not the best thing to tell a girl who's already pregnant (and hormonal), as if I could undo what's been done now because of your story. I know they mean well, but I just can't focus on that and I have to believe that I will still maintain an identity as a person, not just a mother. I think it's imperative for my marriage and my friendships. So, my point is this.....

As we prepare to become parents in an even more real sense, I am scared and excited all at the same time to add the role of mother to my life. But I am still a loving wife, caring friend, dependable worker, enthusiastic water skier and crafter....I just will learn how to better balance all these together come June:)